I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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