she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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