She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
