I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
