babies were throwing up all over the place
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
