a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
