remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
