this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
