When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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