it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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