Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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