I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
