I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This baby is an asshole
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
