You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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