so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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