Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
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Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
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He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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