the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
