We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
