How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
