You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
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She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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