The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
