im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
