..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
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I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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