It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
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I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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