he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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