i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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