I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
