Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
