non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
