There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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