I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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