My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
