at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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