i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
