it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
