Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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