I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
