And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
