I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
