1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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