His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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