So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
