6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
