i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
