someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
