So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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