i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
