I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship