I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.