I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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