i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
