for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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