I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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