he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
