Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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