I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Two words: blizzard sex
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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