We won't sleep together?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
