yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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