Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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