im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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