So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
