Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
